Done With Block 3b!!!; Found Out My Angel Is Dying

Above: Me with a beautiful male Eclectus parrot at the house of a woman who sold me a bunch of iris and daffodil bulbs (another Craigslist find:)
Below: Beautiful apple tree on a crisp, clear day.





Above: More typical upstate New York scenery.
Below: View of Ithaca coming down route 79.




Above: Houses around Ithaca.
Below: Road near my house on a grey fall day.



Above: Ithaca scenery on a grey day.
Below: I've realized that even on the greyest of grey days, if you look hard enough you can almost always find a small patch of blue sky at some point during the day. I hold onto those glimpses of blue with my whole heart.




Above: Tumultuous sunset, with the sun peaking out beneath the grey.
Below: Barn next to my house on a sunny day.
Below: Cats cuddling on my bed, so sweet. I guess Simon makes a good head rest!


I found out last night that this is probably Lindy's last weekend of life. I had noticed that over the last week she had been intermittently dyspneic but the signs were so subtle that I wasn't sure that I wasn't imagining it or that it wasn't stress because it mostly happened when I was giving her fluids. And I'd look over at her again a few minutes later and she'd look totally eupneic.
Then Tuesday night when I was giving her fluids I noticed marked abdominal effort with her breathing. I knew this was bad but I chose to go to bed instead of taking her into the ER because I wanted to get some sleep and take my final. In the morning she looked fine to me again, and she also looked good in the afternoon. But I was supposed to go to North Carolina tomorrow morning and so I decided to run her into the hospital and get a weight and a quick once over from her wonderful resident doctor.
When I got there, her doctor palpated both a very cranial bladder and a caudal bladder. Obviously she does not suddenly have two bladders! She had had a small pseudocyst on her bladder last year and so she suspected hydronephritis.
We took her to the ICU for a quick ultrasound. Sure enough, she had a huge pseudocyst surrounding her right kidney.
We decided to scan her chest while we had the ultrasound out and she had a large amount of pleural effusion. We ended up tapping her chest and getting 340 ml off the left side!
I felt so guilty for not taking her in earlier. She must have been having trouble breathing for at least a week. How awful.
I always feel doubtful of owners who come in and say they just noticed their cat having trouble breathing last night when there is significant disease. But from now on I will be much less judgmental-- cats really can hide disease incredibly well.
We suspect that Lindy has heart failure and so I have not given her any fluids since yesterday. I expect to euthanize her on Saturday morning because she will dehydrate rather rapidly without fluids (she was getting 250-300 ml subq a day, but if that sounds like a lot she is a BIG cat).
Since I'm not certain that she has heart failure and I want closure before I euthanize, I am going to take her for an echo Friday with one of the cardiology residents. If she by some miracle doesn't have heart failure and does have lymphoma, I would treat her. But I'm not holding out much hope.
I'm going to spend most of the day lying in bed reading with her and sitting in the sun outside if she wants to go out.
So now that I know death is so close, Lindy can do whatever she wants. Which means standing on my computer whenever I sit down at my desk. This is one of her favorite things to do, and it usually drives me crazy because I am trying to type or study. I think she does it as a way of getting attention.
She can also finally eat tasty food instead of k/d. I'm about to run out and get her some Fancy Feast and tuna. I will add water to the food to make a slurry, but know that amount of extra fluid will barely make a dent in her massive losses.

Some Days Are Like That

This morning I got up at 6 am and saw that last night's dishes were still sitting out on the counter so I loaded them in the dishwasher and ran it. Without any detergent. Because we were out. And really, who needs soap anyways? I thought it would probably work fine without it.

When I got home this evening IntrepidHomeImprovementMom mentioned that the dishes coming out of the dishwasher still had a lot of stuff stuck to them and that perhaps we needed to start rinsing them before we loaded them. I said, "Sure. But I also didn't put any detergent in that load because we were out." She asked, "And when were you planning on telling me?" I tried to look sheepish and said, "I wasn't going to tell you." At least she laughed. We definitely had a good laugh over that one.
*

So, in other news, day one of my 3b finals is over. And I have another full day of fun tomorrow.
Today was one of the most beautiful days I can remember in Ithaca and I soaked up as much of it as possible outside, at winery around the corner from my place and then dinner outside and then a long bike ride after dark. If only the weather could stay this perfect I am sure my mood would continue to be euthymic!

Falling Is Like This; Studying, Studying, Studying

Above: Moonrise on my evening bike ride yesterday. Sunlight on tomotoes, apples and a single hot pepper from the farmer's market in the kitchen this morning.

I've watched several of my friends fall in love recently. And I've had my fair share of crushes this summer and fall, some even on single gay women (!) but I've chosen not to act on any of them because it is simply more convenient to be single at this point in my life....

Still, watching that passionate roller coaster (studies show that being in love activates the same centers of your brain that are activated with a drug addiction!), makes me think of Ani Difranco's song "Falling Is Like This:"

You give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe
I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this.

I really hope that none of my friends crash and find that there is no road beneath them, just sky, as Ani sings. That is one of the perils of dating I am happy to avoid:)

I've also been listening to Mercedes Sosa while studying, especially "A Dios Le Pido."
Tranlation that I like by Ryan Rodrick Beiler:

All I ask of God
Is that the pain not make me indifferent
that parched death not find me
empty and alone, not having done enough

All I ask of God
Is that injustice not make me indifferent
That I’m not struck on the other cheek
After a claw has torn my destiny

Chorus:
All I ask of God
Is that the war not make me indifferent
It’s a beast whose heavy steps grind
All that’s poor and innocent in people

All I ask of God
Is that deception not make me indifferent
If a single traitor can do more than many
May the many not forget easily

All I ask of God
Is that the future not make me indifferent
Helpless is the person who must flee
to live in a different culture

Although it has been almost half a lifetime since I lived in a country that didn't have secure borders, almost half a lifetime since I slept with an AK-47 next to my bed and ammunition stacked against the door (and no, I didn't live in the occupied territories, that would have been against my ethics), almost half a lifetime since I walked out of a bus station only to have it blow up behind me minutes later... I've been thinking about that time lately more than usual. It's the combination of a lecture that I heard that referenced a different war, listening to some music I haven't listened to in awhile and wanting to go back and visit this spring or summer.

And of course I've been studying a ton, almost all day yesterday except for an evening bike ride. But I don't feel like writing about it somehow. Perhaps later.

More Pileated Bliss!

Above: Me with a juvenile pileated that I caught in my mist net in Jug Bay July 2, 2008 while working on a West Nile Virus research project.
Below: Pileated woodpecker in my yard this morning!

Those of you who have been following my blog for awhile know that I am a bit infatuated with pileated woodpeckers. So it was quite a thrill to look up from my desk while studying this morning to see one pecking on the tree right in front of me! IntrepidHomeImprovementMom says they come to the yard frequently. What a treat.

That day in Jug Bay from which I took the photos above was one of the best days of my life. Along with some beautiful long runs I took with Eagle Eyes in Rock Creek park in D.C. and some long runs in the Almaden Quicksilver hills in San Jose by myself and later with RunningRoommate, it was one of the most intensely enjoyable experiences of my adult life and so it is always a joy to see a pileated and be reminded of that magic.

(Note: check out my arm muscles in that photo! That's what happens when I spend an hour or two every morning sledge hammering in mist nets and running 6-8 miles in the evening. I just don't have time to work out as much as I'd like to in vet school but man, I miss being in that kind of shape!)

Another Beautiful Saturday

Above: Leeks, Swiss chard, lettuce and kale at Early Morning Farm's stand at the farmer's market.
Below: Studies in light. Oh, how I love the sun! And the way it hits the honey in this vendor's display whenever it is sunny at the farmer's market:

Moose outside the kitchen window with his toy, notice all the plants I've acquired in the kitchen window! They like the sun too:)
I got this beautiful turquoise vase at one of my favorite second-hand stores, Mimi's Attic, for $1! I love the way the light hits it and reflects onto the wall. And it even matches the cover of my Clinician's Briefs Diagnostic Trees manual!


I did my best to enjoy the beautiful weather to the fullest but I did spend most of the afternoon inside studying. Luckily, I had the wonderful company of my long-standing study group and I even got some much needed help cooking.
All in all, a lovely day.

More Moody Ithaca Weather

We had a spectacular out-of-the-blue thunderstorm today. Although I know I should have been studying, I rushed out afterwards to get pictures in the beautiful post-storm light. There was a rainbow, but it didn't come out well in the photo-- however, I did get the following nice shots:

More Farmer's Market Goodness

It was another absolutely beautiful day at the farmer's market and as I had my camera on me I enjoyed taking lots of photos.

















Above: My loot on the kitchen table, unpacking when I got home.
Below: I use every part possible, even chopping up and sauteeing the stems of the Swiss chard and dandelion greens.